Short Review:
Former racer Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) is recruited to replace the deceased Frankenstein (David Carradine) in the Death Race - and by recruited I mean they murder his wife and frame him for it. Frankenstein has one race left until he gets his fifth victory and freedom so Jensen is offered Frankenstein's last race. Exposition and gangs and looking at cars and guns. Then racing! They dangle his daughter, Piper, as bait - when he's free he can have his kid back! The final race goes all crazy pants and they blow up the Warden. Everyone escapes and they move to Mexico. The end!
Long Review:
It's the future and some text about prisons being privatized and gladiators while badass music plays. I guess fighting to death wasn't enough and they had to use cars. Are the sponsored by Combos, the official snack of Nascar? Unclear. Frankenstein is driving with Case (Natalie Martinez) navigating. A super epic (not really) car race happens and he gets exploded while Case ejector seats to safety. Then we're in a foundry where Jensen works and then he's attacked by the police for reasons unknown! And then his wife is murdered and he's cleverly framed for it. He is having a very bad day.
He goes to prison and finds out from Warden Hennessey (Joan Allen) that Death Race ratings are slipping without Frankenstein driving. Jensen, the washed up racer, must replace him so the prison makes money. Also there's a scene with them trying to explain away the fact that they're arming cars by saying something about 'electronic kill switches' and the guards have bigger guns. People escape prison with spoons! I'm sure they could find a way to use some of these weapons. Whatever. The rules: something something get to the finish line and you have a navigator because this is a movie for men and there aren't enough skanky women in it.
Racing racing they're all racing when suddenly spooky manhole covers are enabled! Swords, shields and skulls. Drive over them and you enable weapons in your car! More racing and drivers start getting killed in increasingly gross ways. Stage 1 ends with Jensen in last. Also he finds out his daughter has been placed with a nice looking adoptive family. If he wants her back he must win the Death Race! Blah blah back to racing. Case sabotaged the old Frankenstein because Hennessey told her she'd go free if she did. Jensen kills Pachenko (Max Ryan) because Pachenko killed his wife. His biggest rival, Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson), then tries and fails to kill Jensen. Also, the Dreadnaught is released and it's a giant 18 wheeler covered in guns. Pew pew. Also a super gross scene with spike-y wheel bits and 14k (Robin Shou) gets exploded.
Dreadnaught explodes blah blah snarky comments from the pit crew - I stopped paying attention. Speech by Hennessey and Jensen realizes he won't be given his freedom. Shock. Last stage - it's a Machine Gun Joe and Frankenstein showdown. 70 million are already watching! I doubt that very much! Race starts and the Warden is cheating, lighting manhole covers for Joe after Jensen passes over them. Driving driving, intense looks and more driving, and also missiles just because. And then they escape somehow! Police chase! Then oh snap the big reveal - Machine Gun Joe and Frankenstein are working together to escape! Hennessey does not like that one bit!
Everyone is friends now and working together to get out of the prison. How sweet. Jensen jumps out of the speeding car while Case pretends to be Frankenstein because she also knows how to drive I guess. It's okay, though, she got her release papers already and obviously Hennessey isn't the kind of person to go back on her word. Then Joe and Jensen hitch a ride on a train and put on flannel PJs and are besties. Hennessey gets a package and is snarky and then opens the package and explodes because that's all that happens in this movie - cars and explosions. And then Jensen, his daughter, Case and Machine Gun Joe open a chop shop in Mexico and live happily ever after.
Why? WHY?! This has to be one of the stupidest plots in movie history. Why is anyone ok with whoever kills the most and best in a car going free? What part of this seems like a good idea? And why did they need to murder his wife?! I feel like there are so many ways that they could have gotten him to race - like asking nicely! Putting aside the whole 'Death Race' concept being ridiculous anyway... framing him for murder was their best plan? And what's up with the pit crew? The one 'nerd' guy clearly doesn't belong there. Did they frame him too?
And then the happy ending in Mexico! Because there are absolutely no repercussions for escaping prison on national television and then blowing up the Warden. Just what the hell in so many ways. I had to force myself to keep watching this movie - it's absolutely awful. I like saying Machine Gun Joe's name, though... so that's something!
Overall I give it: 1 kerploded Death Race car
Agree? Disagree? Something else entirely? Tell me in the comments!
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