Short Review:
A Nazi named Richard Wirth (Michael Fassbender) travels to a farm because they've got a giant runestone thing in their basement. The family that lives there traps Wirth and keeps him alive by kidnapping people and letting him om nom on their blood since all his rituals require him ingesting large amounts of human blood. Enter Evan (Henry Cavill) and Victor (Dominic Purcell). Victor was kidnapped by the family, but escaped. He's pissed about the whole kidnapping thing so he gets Evan to come back to the farm with him. Lots of fighting and Wirth escapes and starts attacking them with zombie horses, dogs and people. Blah blah Wirth can't eat his family so they mash family bones into Evan's wounds and Wirth tries to eat him, but dies instead. Oh and there are more Nazis on other farms so Evan has to find them and feed them their relatives I guess.
Long Review:Old time-y camera filter lets us know it's the past! A young girl named Liese, an old woman, a man, and another man all live on a farm together when they get a mysterious Nazi letter from Berlin! Will you host our Nazi BFF, they ask? Family says 'sure!' because they thought he was a scholar and not an insane guy who makes zombies. He was still a Nazi, guys... Wirth goes around doing mysterious things and also brings Liese's bird back from the dead. Also I think there might have been a conversation with the Nazi head command about something important, but clearly it wasn't that important since I have no idea what it was about.
Normal camera filter so we're in the present now. Evan the EMT's brother Victor is missing and their dad is really angry about it. But wait! Victor is back now and clearly insane because he's got crazy hair and a beard. He tells Evan to bring lots of guns and come with him so Evan obeys. Seriously? You don't ask where he's been? Tell your dad he's back? Nope! Quickly! To the canoe! They take a glorious canoe trip in their boat full of angst and guns and arrive at a rundown farmhouse with ancient runes on every entrance.
Victor runs in and starts shooting and yelling at people while Evan looks confused, but tries to help. They were the ones who kept Victor hostage and also they don't age. The plot thickens. Everyone is really angry and they find a missing guy in a shipping crate and they let him free. Somewhere along the way Wirth gets loose and that's big drama. He starts killing horses and then brings them back to life so the zombie horses can attack the house because the runes keep him from entering. Did he not think of busting down a wall since those have no runes on it? He's got zombie minions and farm tools - surely he could manage it. Apparently he's too polite to not come in by door or window. There's a whole big thing with a bunch of the farmhouse people turning into zombies and maybe being eaten by dogs? Have I mentioned the dogs? No? A bunch of people are attacked by dogs.
Wirth kills some people from the house and then Liese plays the part of exposition man and blah blah Wirth's a voodoo Nazi. They must stop him! Let's steal his bone armor from the barn because it's made from his ancestors so he can't hurt you if you wear it apparently. They distract Wirth by throwing his books out the window and completely fail at burning them properly. Wirth picks through the fire and grabs the books he needs while Victor dons the bone armor and does a terrible job of fighting Wirth. I think at one point Wirth says something about how he let Victor go because he knew Victor would come back. Whatever.
The whole goal is to get a third eye and then be an even more powerful Nazi so Wirth stabs himself in the forehead and it's gross. I'm blanking on the why, but something about how he will then join with the other Nazis in their magic third eye land. Obviously. He also rips his face off twice for... some... secret Nazi purpose I guess. Wirth needs blood so Evan decides to grind the bone armor into a powder, have Liese cut him up in the shipping crate, rub the dust into the wounds, and then ring the dinner bell. Wirth comes in, starts to drink Evan's blood and dies - hooray! So everyone is happy and the day is saved! No! Of course not! The remaining farmhouse people age and die, but before they do, they reveal that other Nazis were sent to America to other farms with runestones. Evan decides to find them and kill them and then everyone can be happy. Yay!
I can't even... this movie. Okay. The zombie horse is the best thing ever. It busts through a window, chews on a guy's shoulder, then yanks him outside. Then it bursts into the kitchen and rampages while ignoring all of the bullet wounds it gets. Badass. The part I have the most trouble with is how they keep Wirth for sixty plus years and he hasn't escaped sooner. Sure, they have their whole 'put runes on the entrances and runes on the perimeter fence', but how is that enough?! He is a Nazi who can raise zombies! Also, the family kidnaps people constantly and no one in town thought 'hey... let's check out this old rune covered farmhouse'? And why actually give him all of his books? Why not throw a couple down there, start the fire, and then tell him that they're burning them? That way the important books stay safe!
Here's the way I see this going. Instead of hanging out for 60 years, Wirth takes one of his dinner people and turns them into a zombie who attacks the farmhouse. Zombie busts open a window and Wirth enters. Wirth gets his books back, uses the zombie to break the perimeter fence runes and escapes. That would take an hour tops! Or he could go make out with his runestone again if he wanted! He spent a lot of time doing that, guys. He'd whisper sweet nothings to it and stroke it. Also, what of the other eight Nazi zombie makers that are in the US? I find it very hard to believe that every single family managed to trap their Nazi. Pretty sure they would've gotten out because they are Nazis who can make zombies! America is overrun by angry zombie horses and pissed off, runestone loving Nazis. The end.
Overall I give it: 3 zombie horses
Agree? Disagree? Something else entirely? Tell me in the comments!
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