Short Review
Expensive necklace that present day treasure hunters are trying to find. They don't, but instead they find Rose Something-Something's (Kate Winslet) breasts. They bring Rose and her breasts to their ship and she tells the story of her time on Titanic. The story: Rose and Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) fall in love on the doomed ship Titanic. She lives a life of privilege, but is being forced to marry Caledon Hockley (Billy Zane) who is devilishly handsome, but also an asshole. Jack is poor and full of good feelings and being poor-ness. Rose and Jack meet after her failed 'jump off the back of the boat because I have so many feelings' suicide attempt and then fall in love over the course of several hours. Anyways. Sassy drama and people going outside their comfort zones and into other classes when the ship strikes an iceberg. The Titanic sinks and Rose lives while Jack freezes to death in the icy waters. Also, old Rose throws the necklace off the ship and dies. THE END.
Long Review
Treasure hunters are looking for the Heart of the Ocean necklace which is a blue diamond and very expensive. They find a safe where they think the diamond is so they bring it to the surface. They find a drawing of naked Rose because somehow paper survives for 84 years underwater even though there was clearly water in the safe. Anyway - Rose sees herself on TV and within a day gets in touch with the boat on the ocean and gets a helicopter ride out there. Being old, she tells her entire story of her time on the ship, instead of just the part the hunters are interested in. Also, she tells parts of the story she has absolutely no way of knowing since she's nowhere near them when it happens.
Her story: her family lost their money so she is being forced by her mother to marry Cal so they can stay rich. Cal is a dickhead who treats her like she's a silly woman. She dislikes this so decides to hurl herself from the back of the ship. Jack saves her, they bond, she's captivated by him. Jack is invited to dinner and borrows a tux from the Unsinkable Molly Brown who is completely awesome. He never returns the tux to her which I think is a pretty dick move. Anyways - they have an awkward dinner and then dance with the third class passengers.
Rose is told not to see Jack anymore, but he can't stay away so they have wacky adventures on the ship and also he draws her naked. Spicer (Spicer?!) Lovejoy (David Warner), Cal's creepy bodyguard is sent to disrupt their fun adventures and he does so by being a jerk. Also, Rose and Jack run around the ship and have sex in a car. BUT THEN! A surprise twist! An iceberg strikes the Titanic! No one saw this coming! Seriously, though... some people apparently had no idea that the Titanic was an actual ship so I guess the whole 'iceberg' thing was pretty surprising for them.
They go to warn the others, but instead Lovejoy frames Jack for the theft of the sparkly diamond necklace and Jack gets locked in a random room on one of the lower decks. They try to get Rose on a lifeboat, but instead she runs off to find Jack. One fire axe to the handcuffs later and he's free. Freezing water is getting everywhere as the ship sinks and everyone splashes around in it like it ain't no thang other than a few 'wow the water is cold' comments. Lots of running around and almost getting on lifeboats before jumping off to get back on the boat. Also, the coat with the diamond necklace in the pocket is put on Rose.
Running around running around and water everywhere. They hang out on the back of the ship while waiting for it to sink. The Titanic goes down and they swim for the surface. Freezing water and everyone's freezing and drowning. Rose and Jack climb on a door to stay out of the water, but it starts to tip so only Rose gets on. She promises Jack she'll live and then he freezes to death and she's saved by a returning lifeboat. Later, on the Carpathia, she sees Cal looking for her, but hides.
Back to the present and everyone's crying because her story is so sad. She goes to sleep and you see pictures of her living her life and doing things she promised Jack she'd do. She dreams of the grand staircase where Jack is waiting for her at the top and they're both young and everyone is clapping and the movie ends.
Thoughts
Full disclosure: I got really choked up when the Strauses were holding hands on the bed and the little kids are being read to sleep and had a badass Xena-esque single tear. Then, when they showed the pictures of her living her life at the end I cried til the movie was over. That being said... I'm meh on the movie. I was interested in the Titanic before the movie came out (my favorite musical is Titanic, guys) and I really enjoy the parts of the movie that have actual passengers, but I never had much of a connection to Rose and Jack. Rose pissed me off mostly.
So there's a ton of stuff, but I'm running out of Thursday. Here's a tiny quibble really. Why, when they flip the door once, do they not try again!? Get one of them on the door, their weight will stabilize it, and then the other person gets on. Easy peasy. And what the hell is Rose doing just lying on her back, watching the stars, while Jack freezes to death in the water next to her! Why the heck doesn't she talk to him to try to keep him focused and alive? She turns away from him in his final moments! Gross.
Overall I give it: 8 half full lifeboats
Agree? Disagree? Something else entirely? Tell me in the comments!
No comments:
Post a Comment