Short Review:
Three girls were named Heather and one wasn't. Lots of bitchiness and then J.D. comes along and helps Winona Ryder murder one Heather and two jocks. Winona is continually surprised when J.D. murders people right in front of her even though he is clearly insane and enjoys it. I am continually surprised at how stupid the police force is. Drama drama drama and J.D. blows himself up and Winona is empowered yay.
Long Review:
Here's the story: there are three people named Heather and one person named Veronica. One of the Heathers is Shannen Doherty so we'll just call her Prue because I watched a lot of Charmed. And Veronica is Winona so we'll call her that. Also ...someone is J.D. - I wanna say Cameron Diaz, but no... it was a guy... named Christian Slater. I knew I'd get it eventually.
Right. The story. So Heather 1, Heather 2, Prue and Winona are besties, but also hate each other and everyone else and everyone hates them. They play some mean tricks in the cafeteria and then Winona helps Prue throw up in the bathroom which is awkward and gross. Besties! Also, J.D. is in the cafeteria and some jocks get up in his business so he takes out his freaking gun and shoots them both in the face! ... with blanks apparently and then Winona is all sad that he's suspended because it was blanks so nbd.
Later, at Winona's house, Heather 1 is a bitch and hits Prue's croquet ball into the shrubs because Prue had the nerve to ask for the red ball which is always Heather 1's (duh). I mention this because they're all really excited about croquet and play it all the time. Prue gets the ball through the wicket (which means something good apparently - I have no idea because it's croquet and I'm not 80) and Heather 1 gets huffy. Draaaaaama.
J.D. shows up at Winona's window and they have sex on the croquet set. Because... croquet... is sexy? I don't know, but in the morning they decide to go to Heather 1's and be jerks. J.D. is all for giving her some sort of drain cleaner type thing that is clearly poison. Winona does not like that plan. Winona grabs the mug with poison by accident and J.D. sees, but says nothing. Dun dun duuuuun. Heather 1 drinks the poison after being called chicken, mutters something about corn nuts and dies, smashing into a glass table. J.D. convinces Winona to fake a suicide note because she's so good at faking handwriting.
Apparently the police are idiots because, despite the fact that J.D. and Winona left fingerprints all over everything including the suicide note, they decide to close the case as a tragic accident. Funeral happens and everyone is suddenly so sad about Heather 1 and that makes Winona angry! Heather 1 was a bad person so how dare her murder make her better liked rawr. Winona is sort of upset, but also busy making out with J.D.
Two jocks spread rumors about how Winona likes to have two gentleman in her mouth at the same time. Is there a better way to say that? Whatever. This makes her (understandably) mad so she and J.D. come up with the brilliant plan to murder them in the woods and make it look like a gay love suicide. Cops hear the shots and run to the scene and one cop hears them running away so he gives chase. The officer sees them pretending to make out in the car and... decides to let them keep making out because they certainly weren't involved. And once more their murders are labeled suicides. Were the police in this town trained in Sunnydale? They're awful.
Another funeral and everyone is even sadder. Um... they play more croquet at one point - oh and Prue steals Heather 1's scrunchie from her locker and starts wearing it (thus absorbing her powers of bitchiness). J.D. gets angrier and Winona continues to write confessions to these murders in her journal while wearing a monocle. Drama drama drama and Winona pretends to hang herself while J.D. reveals his evil plan, before leaving out the window. Winona's mom finds her hanging there and... is fine with it apparently because Winona is at school the next day.
J.D.'s master plan is to blow up all the students and Winona tells us in a voiceover that the police, CIA, and FBI can't stop him so it's up to her and her stupidity to save the day. Winona decides to keep looking for J.D. instead of warning anyone or trying to get people to leave. She confronts J.D. and J.D. knocks the gun from her hands and knees her in the face, giving her an instant black eye somehow. They yell at each other and she shoots off his middle finger before shooting him in the stomach. Winona leaves the building, still without warning anyone of possible explosion danger. Suddenly a wild J.D. appears behind her with yet another bomb strapped to his chest. He lets that one explode after some blah blah speech. Winona, instead of taking cover, stands her ground a few feet from a large explosion and, instead of being knocked over and killed in the blast, is simply sooty and finds that her cigarette is now lit.
She stalks the halls, steals Heather 1's scrunchie from Prue and then asks Martha to hang out with her instead of going to prom. Martha had previously tried to kill herself after the jocks were murdered and is in a wheelchair type thing. The movie, thankfully, ends with Martha riding happy circles around a crispy Winona.
What the hell. I don't even know. I'm not sure where the cult classic bit is unless it's the outfits which are just delightful. One of my main problems is Winona's near constant terrible decisions and stupidity. I get that the police force is incompetent, but take it higher up! She says the FBI and CIA can't help stop J.D., but I am willing to bet they would have been able to. I did learn that the 80's was apparently the golden age of croquet, though. I won't pretend that I didn't enjoy watching it (I laughed a lot), but not because it was a great movie. Because it was a completely ridiculous movie on so many levels, guys.
Overall I rate it as: 4 80's shoulder pads
Agree? Disagree? Something else entirely? Tell me in the comments!
I'm pretty sure it was meant to be a ridiculous movie-- it is a comedy, after all, not an action drama. I know one of the reasons people are drawn to this movie is how it shows the way teenage suicides are perceived (especially in the media), and how the grieving of them feels so unnatural and uncomfortable, as the victim is typically suddenly much more sympathetic and well-liked than they were in life. Sure, this point is brought up very jokingly through exaggeration, but people still see it. And the bit about the cops just accepting the suicides is also an exaggeration that most people think was to get another point across-- how normalized suicide is, how it's so readily accepted.
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